On my heart

I started this blog as a way to share my journey and experience with melanoma. I also started this blog as a creative outlet to share what is on my mind and on my heart.

The following post is probably one that should be kept to the bindings of my journal, and as much as I want my blog posts to be positive, I want to share that there has been many hard times. Many, many, many hard times. I feel abandoned by some of my friends and by my family.

My family is completely out of the picture besides my parents and my cousin Carla. My step brothers, the ones who are supposed to protect me, do not speak to me or my parents. Family is supposed to come together when something bad happens but mine disappeared. No phone call, no visit, nothing.

Jesus tells me to forgive them, and I have, because I have no room in my heart for stress or negativity. But it does make me angry. I know that one day they will have to make it right with the Lord. Not having many family members to support me and love me through this has led to a greater appreciation for those who are here for me – especially my parents. I honestly do not know how I would be making it through all of this without their help and strength.

The friends I knew before being diagnosed with cancer were not the same friends I knew after being diagnosed with cancer. The friends I knew before treatment are not the same friends I know now.

Before my surgery many of my friends were talking to me and asking how I was doing, and after surgery that diminished, and now that I’ve started treatment, the number of friends are diminishing again. One thing I suppose I can be thankful for is that I am finding out who my true friends are but it’s sad that I’m finding out through something like this. My mom keeps telling me that some people just don’t know how to deal with all of this and I understand that but do you know what? I don’t know how to deal with this either but yet I’m the one who is forced to go through it. I’m the one who had cancer and who now has to go through cancer treatment. When my friends pull away from me, that means I have less people to go through this with and less people to love me through this. My friends can’t support me from far away because that doesn’t make me feel anything. I need a text, I need a phone call, I need a visit, I need a message, I need something. I think my friends should just be happy that none of this is happening to them and instead be there for me, the one who is actually going through it.

One of the hardest lessons I have ever learned while growing up is to not be disappointed when I find out that not everyone has the same kind of heart that I do. I speak with my best friend Emily about this all of the time, because if there’s anyone who gets it, it’s her. She has one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever known. I know that not all of my friends have the same heart that I have but can they not try for me? I just know that if one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer and going through cancer treatments I would want to be there for them as much as I could be, and be that irritating friend who would text them everyday, just to let them know that I was thinking about them. I would try.

No one should have to go through what I am going through right now, being only 20. No one should have to go through this at any age, but it makes it easier having people in my corner to support me. I don’t know how to not be angry about this. My heart is angry. About everything. I still have no idea why this happened to me and it makes me angry. As I have said previously, I am having a hard time. Please pray for me.

I cannot expect anyone to understand what this is like, because until someone goes through it, they will never know and I will never be able to accurately describe what it’s like and how I’m feeling. I am thankful for my friends who text me everyday to let me know that they’re thinking of me and to ask me how I’m doing. I’m thankful for my parents for being there for me every second of every day. I’m thankful for Carla, who lets me know she is thinking of me, even from across the country. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father for always shining His light on me and allowing me to feel His presence in such a difficult time.

I love being able to write whatever is on my heart and my mind.

Life is a funny and strange and beautiful thing.

I hope you’re having a blessed week,

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5 thoughts on “On my heart

  1. Think and pray for you everyday. I think what I learned when Doug went through it people don’t know what to say so they say nothing. I know that it doesn’t change anything but it is just a thought. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Brenda. That is what I’m trying to learn and accept, but you’re right it doesn’t make anything easier or change anything. Thank you ❤

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  2. Mikayla…..I just want you to know that I have so many wonderful memories of our time together at St. Teresa. You have always held a very special place in my heart and always will. You have such an amazing spirit and loving heart, just like your Mom (love that women to pieces), don’t let the people who have become your past upset you they are there for a reason. Forgive them and embrace the ones that have been there. I am sending you lots of prayers, love and support…. You are amazing and don’t ever forget. Always thinking of you xo ❤

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  3. Know that we are thinking of you Mikayla, stay so strong, you got this. I know it’s not easy being in your shoes right now especially when you start realizing who is really there and not there. Some people just don’t know how to deal with knowing you are going through something so unfair. I lost one of my very best friends 8 weeks ago to cancer she was 30 and has 3 beautiful kids . She like you was far too young for this to happen she was 21 and expecting when she found out. She talked about exactly what you are and it wasn’t easy. If you ever need to chat, you know where to find me. Big hugs

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