Disclaimer: This post was written in May 2018 after a fresh decision by my ex-husband to end our marriage. This post is raw and the trauma was new – but I don’t regret any of these words.
Experiencing the pain of a separation or divorce? Connect with me. I’d love to support you in any way that I can.
I have been in the hardest season of my life for the past few months.
Similarly to my cancer journey, the Lord has spoke to me and told me that it’s important for me to be honest and open in this current season, and what’s happening in my life. Not for pity. Not for empathy. Not for judgement. But because He’s doing a mighty work in my life and I’m called to bring Him glory through the ugliest situation I’ve ever found myself in.
The Lord has a calling on my life to write. To process through words to show the hope of the gospel. I am called and compelled to share my story in such a way that brings the enemy down.
I’m finally ready to share – and it is freeing.
Three months ago, my husband left me.
Actually, he kicked me out of our home after he decided he was done with our marriage after nine months.
I packed and loaded my belongings into my car while he watched me from our sofa.
I don’t get it, God. I don’t understand. I entered into marriage as I was supposed to: reverently. So, why? Why did my husband declare vows to me in front God, over of 150 our family and friends, and then leave me and our covenantal marriage nine months into what was supposed to be forever?
Our one year wedding anniversary is approaching so soon and it tears me apart. May 27th was the best day of my entire life and marriage was the best gift I was ever blessed with. Why did my husband end our marriage so soon?
Satan has tried to warp my identity through this season, and if I’m honest, there are moments where he has won. Being 23 and left by my husband after nine months of marriage has done a real number on my view of myself. But when the enemy tries to inject these lies into my mind, I cover them with Truth, and I’m so thankful that I have had some really good and godly people in my life to speak Truth over me during this time.
Here’s what I know: my identity is in Jesus Christ. Not in my husband who won’t stay married to me. Not in my own opinion of myself. I deserve a spouse who will not only stay married to me, but who will lay down their life for me, like I vowed to do for my husband.
This is my story, but some of you may need to hear this today, too. Don’t think for one second that you are not enough. That person that left you, that rejected you, that said they didn’t want you anymore – they do not form your identity. You are so enough. They just didn’t know how to carry it.
When I meet Jesus face-to-face I will know this: I fought hard for my marriage. I was white-knuckled, grasping to save it, and I surrendered all to Jesus. My husband had no Biblical ground to leave me. Knowing this doesn’t make this season any easier right now, but I trust that it will, one day.
JOHN 13:7 – Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.”
What I believe to the core of my being is that the God I serve is a restorer and a redeemer. It’s His identity. The hardest part, in light of that belief, is knowing that my God is so mighty and knowing He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants to, and then knowing that He’s not. He’s not saving my marriage. He hasn’t changed my husband’s heart. He hasn’t restored this situation.
Why, God? Why?
But then my soul is reminded:
“You could have saved us in a second, instead You send a child.”
Jesus may not deliver me when I want Him to. He may not come when I want Him to but He’s always on time. Jesus taught my feet to dance on disappointment three years ago so thankfully I can do it again now.
Life is so painful and my heart is so grieved, but Jesus is sustaining me each and every day, and it’s only because of Him that I can make it through. The Lord has been gracious to me in offering me peace that surpasses all understanding so that I can stay in this state of uncertainty. This season of why.
I know that there is nothing – NOTHING – man can do to you, or me, that God can’t use for good. I believe that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord (Romans 8:28). I don’t know how. I would really like to know how. But I don’t need to know how when I know who.
The temptation is the need to know why and how – but that’s not my job. I don’t want to get it mixed up, so I’m going to let Him do His job, and I’m going to do mine. Obedience is my job – outcome is God’s. Jesus has set me free of the expectation to understand. I don’t need to know why when I know who.
Blessings to you,